it din hurt me that deeply that they lost again, this time at an earlier stage, this time a 2nd consecutive time. But perhaps it is just being through so many defeats the past 2 years, winning jus doesnt matter anymore. after all it lies in the hands of 3 ppl? sometimes 7? sometimes 1 ...

but i mus b kidding if i said tt winning hse championships 2 yrs ago din matter to me. or tt winning jgs 2 yrs ago din matter to me. cos no matter wat others said about the fact tt perhaps i wasnt as good as my other team mates, and tt me alone wld hv done shit, tt perhaps it was 2 individuals more than a team of 5 hu won the thing, i still noe tt they can say all they want and tt at least, once upon a time, i did win something in my life. i contributed. and we all cant forget this win can we? i was telling suhas how 10 yrs down the road we will still b talking abt tt day at my hse and we subsequently lost to TCHS, the "backstabbing" haha, the route to victory wasnt easy. cliched. but we did go thru shit.

and tt is a team. my team.

and i never won again. but no team also remains quite exactly the same. watching the guys again today for the first time after such a long while - considering tt i hv been adjudicating all this time, brought back memories. the internal conflicts (tho settled subsequently), the squabbles, the breaking of window panes haha, the water festival, the late nights, the cursings and swearings, the foul tempers. yes. i remember those. they came back again today. and tt's y i still miss debates. all the many things. but they will nv qte b the same again will they? Suhas' not really the old suhas anymore. Neither is shang. and i doubt i m qte the same from 2 years back. and of course neither r ajit & terence.

and today too jus reaffirmed the idea tt there r no certainties in life. screwed up or batch, having gotten back every single piece of silverware lost over the past 4? years, lost at the qfinals. a team (tt's ours) having lost every single thing tt once belonged to the nice trophy cabinet, got it. who wld hv thought so? i thought they shld hv won, but sometimes ...

listening, jus listening today, sometimes u cant even steer the boat to go the path tt u want it to go. sometimes, u have tt meagre amount of control over the achieving of the many aims u have. But maybe at the end of this whole thing, wat's the point of winning. wat do we get out of winning? if the motivation behind being part of something jus seems so wrong? but hu m i to comment.

many different things chart how we turn out to become. and i jus hope tt this bunch, will jus walk away from this, taking something away with them. and hopefully did walk away, knowing fully tt they did try their best.

and i hope i m not sounding too preachy.

cts was rather bad for me. i m going to fail tons as per normal. cts is finally over. a break at last. but on the darker side of things, one down, means the biggest one is coming nearer.

happy belated birthday zul.

and i realised this entry is made up of many of the random things floating in my mind right now. but wth lah.

junyi! posted at 1:26 am.