so this is how it ends.

and perhaps it was not the ending we wanted, we expected, we liked, we deserved.

i don't know. the very last time - perhaps. and it should have been so much better.

so we lost. and i dont noe wat to feel. perhaps a mix of reaction. sad. upset. angry. pissed off. i don't noe. it is one of the things that you thought you had made all the provisions for. one of the things tt u r THAT close to getting. and yet you fail. And i feel everyone deserves so much more than a piece of plastic - and perhaps paper. for the school, for the team, for jon, for the supporters who have been behind us all the way.

i don't like losing. and if you were to ask me, academic year 2005 has not been the best year. I feel that I have never succeeded in anything great. settling always for mediocrity perhaps. but i noe it is not our fault. i noe we did all we could. but sometimes things are just ... nvm.

nevertheless. it was a great experience. it feels good to be back i guess. to debate. and i realise that after such a long time, i still love it. i still enjoy it. perhaps most of the time, we just need a break. and i mus thank shang, chere, suhas, mark and jon for all these experiences. =) and zul, ajit, navjote too for always always being there. sigh.

we might have lost. but this entire journey has been a good one. and thanks all for really making it happen.

o well. so we went to chijmes to enjoy the jazz festival there. the music was really good i guess. jus a bit too loud. food's good too. no complaints. it was a good nite. and of course i met certain ppl there. haha. (i see the person cringing right now and hoping that i wld not write anything so i guess i wld not)

i dunno wat else to write. wat else to say. this last series. it was a memorable one.

junyi! posted at 12:11 am.

i think it is very odd indeed that jus a couple of days ago a friend told me some hurtful remarks his / her parents made. and how my dad seems to have repeated them again. jus like how i have heard them.

it really is saddening to hear hurtful remarks from your own dad said about you. and it is very sad to hear how you have been misrepresented and misunderstood. it makes you think doubt your abilities and wonder if it is really your fault that you are stupid. What parents cannot understand and more importantly, accept, is how a person has really tried his hardest and that there is a limit to everybody's intelligence.

i dunno. i m thinking all sorts of stuff now. and i wonder if it really is my fault. Perhaps, there are some things that I should not have done. But obviously there were reasons for everything done. and of course it is my fault to have always had to settle for mediocrity. Yes it is my fault that I have never really succeeded in anything.

Why do PTMs always go wrong? Perhaps it is how one chooses to focus only on the bad things. I cannot be that bad right? But is it not fair to me that you not recognise the good things so that you at least ensure that I keep it up?

Give me a chance. Give me a break. More importantly, let me make my own decisions.

Just came home for debates. And I realised perhaps debating is a good way to keep your mind away from other stuff. Stuff like this. Debating is fun actually. Though perhaps it could be a tiring process in a bid to gain additional information and in a bid to constantly watch out for a million and one things.

O well. Rain is bad. But at least i am home.

On another random note, for the teachers to have done what they have done to certain individuals, I think it is really unfair. And that perhaps it is time even they realise that they DO make mistakes. it is time to realise that not all mistakes are reversible. this is one of those irreversible ones. Live with it - cos the way to solve one problem is not to do so at the risk of hurting a person - emotionally.

today has been a bad day for all. i suppose.

and as i m supposed to keep an open mind for a co-ogl. i simply cant think of any1 i wld noe remotely well enuff. irksome.

tks all for the nice comments =)

junyi! posted at 11:13 pm.

saturday's debates went well. sort of anw. we did all we cld i guess and hopefully we wld do even better this coming sat.

jus told my parents my results. i noe. very late indeed. but i needed time to gear myself up! sigh. it is depressing when you get one of the parental units accusing u of not trying your best, helping you cook up excuses for not having done well. i jus feel very cheated. cos no one recognises tt u hv worked hard. and perhaps, there is really nothing we cld hv done about it since in any real life situation, people do look at ur results anw. try telling them u did study. aiya i m jus not very smart i guess. of course Mr N would beg to differ but seriously - if u studied hard and din get desired grades, maybe u arent tt intellectually inclined. hv i said tt before already? o well. i hv let myself done. but the worse thing is he often seeks to rub salt into wounds.

PW now. i hope we do ok.

i m sleepy and tired.

everyone. cheer up.

junyi! posted at 9:21 pm.

wow. 3rd consecutive day i m blogging!

haha. m in a good mood and on a high cos i DREW today! =) yuppers. i realised drawing (no matter how badly) can make u feel better! especially when there is no stress involved in drawing and u r really drawing for the fun of it! haha.

drew a really ugly picture today (basically i took part in an ART competition and the only reason y i took part was cos it was INTER-HOUSE! haha) so i had to draw a scene in rjc, and i decided to draw a scene in CLASS!!! hehe. i drew 2 pictures - of a teacher and a classmate! ok the teacher was obvious cos she is my FAVOURITE TEACHER! and is really unique so u cant get her wrong! BUT the classmate wasn't SO obvious. Perhaps i might not have done her (i mean the picture!) justice! haha. but m glad cos it was really fun anw.

haha. i wld b surprised if they indeed put the drawing in the library like they said they would. if it is indeed true, then at least it wont b just me takes the "credit", leslie wld take half of it too! haha. cos he wrote some words on it!

ok. i m a little psychotic today. ignore me. haha.

junyi! posted at 8:54 pm.

i am not in any mood to do anything really, but i thought i owed it upon myself to thank those who actually showed concern (somehow) since day 1. Perhaps i have never been myself these days. but i m ok. like really. big shocks really, given i DID study and yet ended up doing worse than some people who consistently denied having done so. the truth is, how do u feel when u hv studied and not done well? Besides injustice of course.

Life isn't fair. it never has been. And perhaps like what J said in an email once, life presents many setbacks - many requiring luck, many requiring cunning & some requiring merit. and perhaps, the luck and cunning isn't there.

in a way, this series of examinations has been an experience. if anything, i guess i wld jus work harder. and tho i strongly want my s paper for econs, i jus doubt the existence of any flexibility involved for me to take it.

o well. have learnt a lot this year. since i came to rj. and perhaps this is all meant to be. all these painfully reminds me of the sec 2 exams.

for now, it is ihl debates this sat. here we come =)

congrats to those hu did well. and for those hu did not, take heart.

next year. jus wait and see. i would do it. if next year is going to be a bad year, then i m going to change it.

junyi! posted at 11:18 pm.

this series of exams, to say the very least, is unpredictable. and definitely upsetting.

i hope tomorrow brings better results.

junyi! posted at 10:18 pm.

m feeling extremely off today. i dont understand how exams really are meant to be a test of one's diligence or one's amount of knowledge. nv expected it to happen. but it happened. o well. i mus b really, really, really dumb.

and on another note, nothing irks me more than not trying. i might not like losing but i can accept it. what i absolutely detest - is the failure to try.

sigh. =( today has been a really really bad day.

junyi! posted at 11:35 pm.

today track ended. m relieved and guess i hafta thanks those hu helped in many different ways. and m glad tt at least qte a no. actually did bother to turn up - however late, in the midst of pw and all. o well. lots of lessons to be learnt from there, and perhaps we hafta ask, y so many restrictions? the problem wif the college is tt they expect students to achieve big things wif a humongous amt of restrictions. Institutional inertia restricting the bright young minds, as shang wld put it.

o well. for track, mt got 3rd, in case u NEVER knew. and shame on u! for stoning at home! for going to sentosa! etc etc etc. cos while u were doing so, a group of ppl were in school, slogging away! yea. the past 3 days hv been a test really, and on hindsight, despite the fatigue as a result, they were indeed good experiences. and of course, u got to noe many more ppl. haha. u noe wat? the ppl taking part in a sport are always the same! but really really hafta thank them for everything tt they take part in.

ANW. I BET U DIN NOE TT A WALL CRASHED IN SCHOOL TODAY!!! ok. besides the random ppl outside hu saw in the late afternoon! whoa. i fear the college isnt a safe place! =(

alrite. i need to do my readings. IHL next. geneva. =)

results coming soon. i fear.

junyi! posted at 10:12 pm.

i realised the past few entries hv been about fatigue and abt the huge amt of work to b done. o well. ppl mus be getting disinterested. haha.

but it has been TIRING. nv got a proper rest since sunday or sumthing. o well. running events over 3 CONSECUTIVE days hv been a horrendous and trying experience - and presumably for the house captains too. and tt wld hv to b juggled wif our training schedule too.

random - wld u believe it if i told u i jus ran my first 400m race ytd??? hahas. o well. tt was another experience i had tt was necessary i guess - perhaps to "model the way" (haha) or perhaps to get the points. it wasnt v bad - but considering tt my only warmup was the run from the toilet to the starting point - and i hv nv ever ran so much in my entire life, it became a v tiring experience hahas. a hilarious experience too i believe - for the spectators too. haha. cos of my incredibly slow start and incredibly wide margin wif the rest. haha. to save the embarassment, i shall not divulge my time. hahas.

i hope track turns out well tomorrow. and the thing is, it is really sad tt lots of ppl at this very moment, are perhaps snoring away, AT HOME not bothering. and u realise, all the talk abt rj being a shell, being cold and unfriendly isnt really true. for it is the fault of the ppl. the sole disinterest really. and wat totally pisses me off is how effort has been made to get things done. and yet these ppl r the v ppl hu r complaining how lacking of life this school is!

yet i m still thankful for this core group of 50 ppl or so hu mite not necessary turn up for house meeting (some lah), but still come down to play the games, to do their best and all. it is this group of ppl -wif others from other houses- tt wld definitely make planning the entire thing worth it i guess.

it has been a trying time. a test of my patience more than capabilities really. and dont get me started on useless ppl. had a conversation on how one needs to b a sporty person to b an effective hsecap or hsecommer - really so?

i m tired. and the committee is too. and so is the team. let's sleep now =) random.

junyi! posted at 11:56 pm.

wah. the next few days wld b such a whirlwind. training - coupled with the settling of a whole shitload of ihc work. gosh. i dont understand y it has to b on the 3 marking days. i dont understand y the house activities seem such a convenient way to fill up the time! y cant these ppl give us the days off! hai. ok. it's jus a random rant.

so much to do. hv been doing all sorts of random stuff over this weekend. argh. and track is tiring. it is indeed an uphill battle to even remotely get ppl down! so to those coming ... indeed i thank u in advance. and the rest - do come and play the games or run in teh events! seriously. we need the ppl. hai.

argh. and pw coming up too. kao.

and hello pa! how dare u tell others wat i tell u! hmph!

junyi! posted at 11:57 pm.

wah. hello everyone. m finally back. absolutely tired but decided tt i shld at least blog a little.

promos was =S exaperating and tiring.

post promos begin with a whole lot of random things to do ... and tt includes house and trg etc.

wah. i need a rest.

update more later. when i m less tired. and today was fine. a good way to catch up with friends. but was absolutely tired really which explains the random highness and the random quiet. haha.

o well.

junyi! posted at 1:20 am.