ok i so should not b here. but i got bored and sick of hydroponics. m studying more than i usually am, so that i suppose is a good thing.

wanted so much to study, like truly revise, but the huge amt of workload just makes everything so difficult. i mean they shld stop teaching new stuff now and like seriously REVISE. how m i going to study last term, the term before and the term before before etc!!!

so yea, i guess it all boils down to practice. everyone is piaing so tt's really frightening. maybe prelims doesnt matter all that much to guys, but then i suppose it's all abt the bearing it will have on you as u take the alevels. it's like how long r u going to keep telling urself tt it's not the a levels, i still have some time, i will get 4As in the end. life isnt tt rosy. unfortunately. soon ur excuses run out, and so i suppose it's time to get working.

i need help in writing about myself. and marketing myself.

in a sense, the next 2 weeks r pretty tight, with all those uni admission talks. i guess my class is convincing me how it will be a waste of time and all. but i dont noe, i guess my aims are lofty, ambitious and all. but it's all about trying isnt it? i mean that window of opportunity doesnt open by itself. i m so going to kill myself if this guy who is so obviously lousier than me in every single thing makes it to say oxford and i dont all because i din bother applying, because i THOUGHT i din deserve it, that i wont get it. i guess it's all about daring to dream? i mean for the past 6 years, it has always been a case of me not daring to do something just cos i thought i dont have wat it takes. it's true i might not have gotten it in the end anw, but i guess i sometimes just hate myself for not trying, for not having the guts to try.

sigh. though it is going to be difficult. i wish i had more talent, wits, intelligence, better cca record etc etc etc. o and money. haha. whatever it takes lah.

i think jc life has changed my perception abt alot of things. i think perhaps it's true that we were really sheltered in sec school. but maybe it's all part of "growing up" what they call growing up anw.

school's boring. lessons r sleep inducing. tho i always talk so i dont sleep. and my class still loves me. i think. when i m quiet at least. haha.

junyi! posted at 10:09 pm.

aha i am very pleased today because i made someone's day. (: haha.

it has been a somewhat plain week, brightened up by some silly events that happened during class. Like racial harmony day today. which saw only 4 guys wearing traditional costumes, though sadly all were wearing like indian, malay costumes - anything but chinese. but anw, a picture speaks a thousand words, so here goes. a few pictures ... haha.




Upload Pic with PicTiger
1st pic: the guys in shock after seeing jeanne in that erm rather interesting outfit and matching makeup. haha.

2nd pic: supposedly pensive mood

3rd pic: a racial riot. acted out of course, as a key reminder to the horrible riots of 1964 that killed the lives of many

---------------------

and then caught up with cc, samjo, alan, jonk & zee once again, which was pretty good, celebrating cc's bday belatedly, although jonk has proven to be as usual, very insensitive. tsk. pity i had to leave early. but the usual happens.

a busy weekend ahead:
1. 3 personal best experiences (argh better get it over and done with)
2. house comm evaluation (not truly given yet but zul sent to me so might as well take a look)
3. series of assgs ... math, chem, remedial hw
4. hydroponics tests =(
5. REVISION, then RE-REVISION, then RE-RE-REVISION, ok u get my point
it feels so empty without all the random cca things, but yet again, we are supposed to b so busy, with this humongous pile of work + revision to be done just. yea and i intend to improve my english within the next 5 weeks. i m sick of stagnating lah. but i dont noe, i think gp is the most under-rated subject. and tt surely, it deserves some effort.

sigh. i wld have said i think the whole world hates me. but i suppose i dont noe the whole world and the whole world doesnt noe me. but o well. i think like almost everyone is angry with me.

haha i thought this was qte funny. A said "maybe i shld i kill all the hot ppl in the world, then i will be the hottest person ard" and i replied "yea, but if i kill all the hot ppl in the world, i will be left alone in this world". haha. i thought tt was qte funny. ok, ie i thought i was qte funny.

blah blah blah. i used to think arrogant ppl were the most cocksure confident ppl in the world. perhaps it isnt necessarily the case. i begin to now think of them more of insecure ppl and the day they become more modest, is perhaps the day they no longer are controlled by these inhibitions. after all, isnt it precisely because u have insecurities that you see a need to launch a "pre-emptive strike", to try to hide those flaws before others see them, or to hope tt ppl will nv realise it. anw, a random observation tt someone has noted. and i thought true a couple of yrs back, but din really write it down. was reminded of tt again.

-------------------
from shumin:

Once you've been tagged, you have to write a blog with 6 weird facts/things/habits about yourself, saying who tagged you. In the end you need to choose the 5 people to be tagged and list their names. No tag backs.

1. my legs never touch the floor when i sit down to study at home or at tuition (i.e. i sit with my legs propped up). yes my legs are on my chair now.
2. when i am bored at home i draw. and then tear those drawings up cos they're so ugly. haha.
3. i dont normally talk on the phone. despite talking a lot more in person. haha.
4. i used to put the textbook under my pillow before a major exam, hoping that knowledge can diffuse into my brain. until our textbooks were so thick that i cant really sleep on them. haha
5. i must read the life section of the straits times daily
6. i used to act, and had to cross-dress once. until i realised/decided that i sucked. and was too ugly to play a girl too. haha.

tagging (most randomly):
1) zul
2) nav
3) yangbin
4) zhunian
5) alan

haha like they will read this and do it like that. haha.

Has it occured to you how fast time is flying? And you thought time only flies when you are enjoying yourself. much as many experiences in rj were made up of bittersweet experiences, i don't think i wld ever want to leave rj. just like how, 2 years ago, i never did want to leave ri. as in not that i want to be retained and all, but after all these years, you leave this place, which so many of us have called cold and unfriendly, and perhaps will never meet each other again. for some of us. will our paths intersect? will the person you acknowledge while rushing off for a lecture one day be your boss, or will the person sitting beside you during bio lectures choose to ignore you the day you pay a house visit to his house as a MP. or will you even ever meet the person who helped you in math?

that's the thing about life, it's filled with uncertainties. if i had the power, everyone wld keep being in touch, keep BOTHERING to stay in touch. but perhaps tt will seem like we are living in a vacuum.

o well, tt's for another day, maybe when i graduate or something. i suppose i shldnt b distracted by stuff like these, but be more interested in the reactions of NaOH with organic compounds.

-----------------------------

quote of the day.
"you are wrong, because (dramatic pause) i am right." - JonK

junyi! posted at 12:14 am.

thinking of ur best 3 personal experiences reminds you of how much you have actually done, but then realise subsequently that these seem to feel up your time for long hours, but do not actually add up to anything substantial or impressive on paper.

so what do u actually write on in the comments section? and it is so absolutely infuriating that nowhere, nowhere can u find the word HOUSE at all. not even faculty even, which used to appear. like seriously. so if the word can b missing here, tt probably means nothing in the yearbook or anything like tt. i mean seriously, they even have GAVEL club. ok maybe i m being oversensitive, but whatever. havent bothered thinking of what to write, just had to go take a look at the requirements cos i wasnt really paying attention to the whole talk, and i guess they want stuff that are more related to the CCAs. so now it is all about how you are able to market yourself isn't it. aha.

then what happens to those without ccas? or those with bad experiences with their ccas? or those with so many best experiences? or those with ... perhaps poor command of the language?

perhaps under comments section, they should not force students to write about just their cca experiences. after all, what after LIFE experiences. i mean if u have dismal results and still are able to not kill urself over it ... isnt it an amazing trait of being to stay strong despite life challenges? or if you are like a certain classmate who talks back against teachers and gets away with it, isnt it an amazing trait of bravery and er LUCK haha. or maybe if u make loads of friends. tt's like an achievement!

so what really are best personal experiences? do u truly write wat YOUR best experiences are. OR do u write what others wld want to see, nod their heads and give u a place in their uni. haha. i guess it's the latter.

OK i m talking rubbish. i shld be studying really, but hv been rather distracted and mostly in an irritable mood. and shopping sucks. haha. i still do not understand how girls trot around in their heels at orchard all day long while i get bored and sleepy after less than 2 hours even! haha. ok lah maybe it is cos i m weak. haha. but i think shopping depresses me cos it reminds me of the many things i cannot afford to buy. haha. how shopping cheers girls up i really dont understand.

unless of course, they CAN afford it in the first place.

junyi! posted at 10:56 pm.

3 common tests later, 1 promos later, while people have been accumulating their As like a guy on his lucky day at vegas, i have unfortunately and dismally and pathetically not attained a single A in my 2 yrs in rj. unless u count situps. er and shuttlerun. amazingly something remotely related to napfa that i got as for. PHYSICAL EDUCATION - rather ironic indeed. haha even those i m one of the worse in class. haha.

but if there is anything tt i hv learnt from these experiences, it is i suppose to keep wishing, praying, hoping and working harder. haha and i guess poor grades mean that i m easier to please now. if i get an a in prelim. i will b very pleased indeed. if i get more than Bs for everything. i think i will b on cloud nine. and if i get 4As for As ... aha. that will b a relief. cos that's wat we are working towards arent we?

so yes. tt's the pathetic state of affairs. at this point of time, any A in prelim is going to be my first ever A. there's so little time left, and i m here supposed to be searching gp material on NEPAL.

time in jc seems so short really, academically it has been a horrendous experience, but i guess at the end of the day, we all hope for this happy ending. zong was telling me abt how it was in australia some time back, and lamenting about how outside the comfort zone of the singapore education system, you are now grounded in reality. having to face a real world of no turning back, no 2nd chance. i guess so ... m i ready for the real world after this?

nav jus made an interesting point - looking back at the relationships that you have developed with the people around you when ur time in rj is almost up, when u were in secondary school wld u hv thought u wld end up being good frens with these ppl. qte true. i nv thought i wld b bullied by that PERSON who is always so mean to me. haha.

o well. dont u always think tt things are always much simpler than they seem to u? at many points of time, we feel upset over something ... but it's always because of ourselves isnt it ... because of the barriers we build. and i guess there will be a time for us to clear the mess. ourselves. perception matters a lot.

o well. i dont noe wat i m talking abt alr. i m mixing wat i m talking to ppl abt in msn and wat i m typing here. as usual, i remain confused.

junyi! posted at 10:39 pm.

aha. i am at peace with myself (: which is a good thing really, though i m still pretty distracted and take FOREVER to complete my tutorials. bah.

the past week seemed somewhat weird. i cant exactly pinpoint why it felt weird, but perhaps it's because of the fact that we know are having lessons again, or perhaps it's because the silly school admin is trying to confuse us with constant changes in timetable, what with the 3rd day of the week being friday and ending with wednesday. i think they are testing our ability to adapt. aha. and hence that explains 3 consecutive weeks of having different timetables on different days. had to be that. so boliao.

but maybe it's weird because without any cca commitments left, u jus seem so free dont u? yea, no more meetings, no more having to rush home to answer emails and get stuff done. yea that feels weird too haha. and then SOME PEOPLE just want me to go away ah ... always asking me to go home QUICKLY or when i am going home. hmph. haha.

prelims is in 8 weeks time!!! that sucks.

but whatever it is, the class is always fun. it's great to catch up with them outside of all the stress of the LAST common tests. but now with prelims looming ......... aha there r still many others tt i din manage to catch up with the past week! erm tt includes studies really, but people too.

o yes, congrats to the nat team for winning their first 2 debates (: i think i m right in this news from navjote ... and o yes happy birthday kangkang! it's weird, we always type things targeted at people who will not see it anw.

ok a random entry. i dont noe what to write.

junyi! posted at 10:26 pm.

we are never the people we think we are. we are the ones we pretend, with all our hearts, we cannot become.

In many ways, i suppose there is no point lamenting on bad results once AGAIN. it sucks doesn't it. but at this juncture, i think it's important to start realising that it is never the fault of others, at this point of time, perhaps it is time to realise we shld stop being england and blame the whole world ... except ourselves.

still searching for the magic

gosh. i still need that magic to step out of all the mediocrity tt i have been through. bah. u noe, for some weird reason i m actually more pissed with my gp essay than those chem results. like les said, it's always the same grade - stagnant. it might go down this time. but it's never an up. it sucks to be true. how to be better?

the last weekend has been good tho. it's the first time in a long while that i felt a load taken off my chest. like i can take a rest without actually feeling guilty, though knowing that this will be the last rest in a long time. it feels good, to be able to pick up a book and just spend the entire day reading, understanding how another lives, being touched by how another behaves. that's the joy of reading i guess. trashy books, or not so trashy ones. haha.

and navjote's bday celebration was cool. cos we had ice-cream. haha. ok lame attempt at a joke here. no lah it's cos it is NAVJOTE you noe, and cos of the fantastic company. and the weird things we winded up doing. tho suya is not too happy. in fact she is infuriated. BUT suya if u r reading this, whatever you are infuriated about i was not involved. but i do apologise for not doing anything.

yups thanks a mil nav ... u made the last youth day we will have left a memorable one. and i m glad u liked ur card (:

soon everyone will start picking up their books again. some have started. and then there's no turning back. A levels, here we come.

and daddy's bday today. happy birthday =) dinner at lei's garden was cool. nice dinners always make my day =)

the number of casualties that the truth might cause, versus the numbner of casualties saved by ignorance

a random entry really. i am in a random mood.

junyi! posted at 10:49 pm.