What the hell … today was supposed to be a happy occasion. I mean, how often to you get a treat from your teachers, go out with friends, especially in this hectic time. But my dad, had to spoil it. Every single time. Yeah, he is in one of his black moods again. For what reasons, I don’t know, and I don’t care. All I know is, he is venting his anger on me …

Yeah. 9 pts for prelims. I know that that isn’t really very, very fantastic. But, what the hell? He has to rant and show an even blacker face. I didn’t live up to expectations, as seen in A Math & Comb Humans. But as it is, he just can’t show any understanding towards ANYTHING. And the worse thing is, he so seeks enjoyment in comparing ME, a lowly 8-subber to those few names that he know – and incidentally they all r much better than me, being the 9-subbers who are like ohhh … so much smarter than me … Shang, JonK, Suhas etc. What the hell? I mean, I did not do exactly very very well. No 6-pts. And obviously I am not very pleased with myself either. But can’t he see, I am doing it, studying and all, not for any1 but MYSELF. I did study, and maybe I am juz plain stupid. Maybe I juz can’t make it. Maybe I juz can’t get 6-pts. Sometimes I feel so discouraged. Everything I do, there has to be something bad. And he chooses to look at the bad side. I mean, what the hell? … He this time chose to look at the 2 B4 & 1 C5 tt I have and screwed me for tt (incidentally, I did not use all 3 for my l1r5 … So … What’s his prob man?)

And now, he doesn’t want me to go arts, which I initially thought of going, so that basically means decision made isn’t it? Hell. This is my life, can’t he let me live it my own way？Sometimes, I wonder, why is it that he makes all the decisions for me. And I have to live with the decisions HE MAKES. Can’t he understand that I m really stupid, and that I can never ever be what he wants me to be – this smart nerd who spends his entire 24 hours mugging at home. That’s not me, and never will be. So he grounded me. It’s official now. Damnnit lah, I am so freaking pissed. I am controlled every where, every time. Hell. I am pissed now, both with my results & with him. I did do well in EL & E Math, but not in my pet A Math & Comb Humans … (again … as from CTs) … so I am still really, really upset. Aiyah, what to do? Nothing but mug more … But I really made up my mind. I am going to hear & look around a bit and then decide arts or science. And from then, I decide whether arts or science. He’s not going to hinder me in any way man.

I was juz talking about family life and all at the lunch with ms grace & mrs chong today. And this shit had to happen. I mean, all respect to my parents and all, but sometimes, I think my dad has lots of character learning to do. He may be upright & all, but he definitely needs to be more intellectually sensitive, being nicer & more understanding to his children, especially stupid me …

O well. Now that I have finally got rid of like 50% of the fire in me, I must say the rest of today was pretty good. Went out with ms grace & mrs chong for a treat and all … supposedly to thank us for our contributions. Yeah, went to Seoul Garden & it was surprisingly, less awkward than I thought it would be. Talked about everything, school life and all, and of course heard their perspective with regards to school issues, their lives & (hehe) the new captains. It was extremely light-hearted and even after the teachers left, we stayed for another 1.5 hrs to juz talk. It seems so relaxed and it brought up many fond memories in RI. Sigh. In abt 17 days time, all these will very well come to an end. And we really, really, should have more of these kind of lunch. Jus to talk about stuff and get to know each other better. Had loads of fun and really enjoyed it. Thanks a lot all of you – ms grace, mrs chong, Ilman & jonk. It was really fun ((:

As for my grades, I guess it was a marked improvement. Not fantastic at all, no room for complacency, and I will work harder. 9 pts. 3 A1s, 3 A2s & others too embarrassing to mention. Moderation would be nice … so I guess we now take a wait and see approach. Really congratulations to those who did really well – top scorers & 6-pters & those who fulfilled what they wanted. As for me, it’s all left with the O levels.

Sigh. Screwed up. Tt’s me.

Jun Yi

junyi! posted at 10:55 pm.